Billy the Mountain
Billy the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife Ethel
A tree

Billy was a mountain
Ethel was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
(Hey, hey hey!)
Billy had two big
Caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up or down
And whenever it did
He'd puff out some dust
And hack up a boulder
Now, one day, and I believe it was on a Tuesday,
a man in a checkered double-knit suit
drove up in a large El Dorado Cadillac leased from Bob Spreene
("Where the freeways meet in Downey!")
and he laid a huge bulging envelope right at the corner of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN,
that was right where his foot was supposed to be.
Now BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, he couldn't believe it:
All those postcards he'd posed for for all those years and finally, now at last, his royalties!
"Royalties, royalties, royalties! The royalty check is in, honey . . .
Yes, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was rich! Yes, and his eyeball caves,
they widened in amazement... and his jaw was a cliff, well, it ... it dropped thirty feet!
A bunch of dust puffed out . . . rocks and boulders hacked up, hack! hack! crushing the Lincoln . . .

I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hacked up a rock and
It totaled my car
Oh do you
Know any trucks
Might be bound for the valley
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit)
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar

By two o'clock, when the bars had already closed down, Billy had broken the big news to Ethel,
AHHHH, and with dust and boulders everywhere, Billy, choked with excitement, announced
"Ethel, we're going on a vacation!" ... Yes, and they were going on a vacation, oh,
and Ethel, Ethel, Ethel, like any little woman, she of course was very excited ...
she creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her. Billy told Ethel they were going to . . .
yes, they were going to New York! "Ethel, we're going to... New York!"
But first they were gonna stop in Las Vegas...

"It's off to Las Vegas to check out the lounges,
Pull a few handles and drink a few beers, oh Ethel,
Ethel, my darling, you know that I love you,
I'm glad we could have a vacation this year, Oh neat-o, glad we could have a vacation this year."

They left that night, crunchin across the Mojave Desert, their voices
echoing thru the canyons of your minds . . . "Ethel, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?
Howard Johnson's, Howard Johnson's ahhh there's a Howard Johnson's! . . .
Wanna eat some clams?"...

The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was Edwards Air Force Base.
And to this very day, wing-nuts and data reduction clerks alike speak in reverent whispers
about that fateful night when Test Stand One and the rocket sled itself got lunched, I said lunched,
by a famous mountain and his small wooden wife . . .

"Word just in to the KTTV news service undeniably links this mountain and his wife to drug abuse
and payoffs as part of a San Joaquin Valley smut ring. However, we can assure parents in the
Southern California area that a recent narcotics crackdown in Torrence . . . Hawthorne ... Lomita ...
Westchester... Playa del Rey . . . Santa Monica ... Tujunga ... Sunland... San Fernando . . .
Pacoima . . . Sylmar... Newhall... Canoga Park. . . Palmdale . . . Glendale... Irwindale...
Rolling Hills... Granada Hills ... Shadow Hills ... Cheviot Hills.. .will provide the secret evidence
the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a criminal indictment and pave the way for stiffer
legislation I increased federal aid, and avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians
throughout the inland empire ..."

Within the week, Jerry Lewis had hosted a telethon to raise funds for the injured and homeless
in Glendale, as Billy had just levelled it. And a few miles right outside of town Billy caused a
'Oh mine papa' in the earth's crust, right over the secret underground dumps, right near the
Jack In The Box on Glenoaks where they keep the pools of old poison gas and obsolete
germ bombs, just as a freak tornado cruised through ...
Yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon when little Howard Kaplan was sitting on his
porch ("Toto.. .!")just playing ("Come here. Toto . . .!") and having a nice time with his ("Toto . . .!")
accordion, and this weird wind came up, direct from Glendale, blowing those terrible germs
in his direction... and all this caused by a huge mountain somewhere over the rainbow,
sucking up two-thirds of it (suck, suck, suck) for an untimely dispersal over vast stretches
of... WATTS!!!

Now, unless I misunderstand, it was right outside of Columbus Ohio when Billy received his
notice to report for his induction physical. Now lemme tell ya, Ethel said, now Ethel, Ethel said
she wasn't gonna let him go ... "I'm not gonna let you go, Billy"... that's right, we now have
confirmed reports from an informed Orange County minister that Ethel is still an active communist
and it is this reporter's opinion that she also practice a witchcraft...

It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the secret briefcase belonging to the one
mortal man who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save America herself.
And I'm sorry to disappoint some of you, it was not Chief Redden. This one man was Studebacher
Hoch, fantastic new super hero of the current economic slump. Now, some folks say he looked like
Zubin Mehta; still others say "Bullshit, honey, it was just another greasy guy who happened to be
born next to the "Frozen beef pies at Boney's Market..."; still others say "Pshaw piss on you, Jack,
he's just a crazy Italian who drove a red car..."
You see, nobody ever really knew for sure because Studebacher Hoch was soooo mysterious . . .

He was so (he was so, he was so) mysterious
He was so (he was so, he was so) mysterious
'Cuz when a person gets to be such a hero, folks,
And marvelous beyond compute
You can never really tell about a guy like that
Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he just smiles a lot
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what.
Some men say he could fly
Some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka,
And all the girls in Flushing would be amazed of him
Two, three, amazed of him . . . amazed ..

Time passed. January, February, March, July Wednesday, August, Irwindale, two-thirty in the afternoon,
Sunday, Monday, Funny Cars, City of Industry, Big John Masmanian...So when the phone rang in the
secret briefcase, a strong masculine hand with a Dudley Do-Right wristwatch and flexy bracelet grabbed it
and answered in a deep, calmly assured voice: "So ... ah... yeah, yeah hello already... what?... well, yeah?...
Ah - are you kidding? . . . You're not kidding ... a mountain. ..with a tree growing off of its shoulder??
Aw, you're fulla shit, man... ah listen, by the way, before you go on: did you get those white albums
I sent ya with the pencil on the front, yea? You should move some of them for me, yea? . . . well,
listen, kiss little Jakee on the head . . . how's your wife's hemorrhoids? ... ah, that's too bad . . .
Listen ... so you've got a mountain, with a tree, ?ausing... - well, let me write this down ... sorta
take a few notes here... yea? ... to El Segundo, huh? . . . causing untold destruction... wanted for
draft evasion? ... an expense account?... and per diem, too? . . ."

SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE
THEY SAID HE COULD DANCE
AND OF COURSE THEY WERE RIGHT...

Ladies and gentlemen, this is it: The Studebacher Hoch Dancing Lesson & Cosmic Prayer For Guidance,
featuring Aynsley Dunbar! . . . HIT IT! . . .
Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, Fillmore ...
Nobody can dance like Studebacher Hoch...
So many rumors have spread about Studebacher Hoch... consider this rumor which was published
about three weeks ago in ROLLING STONE (oh, it's gotta be true!) ... "Studebacher Hoch can
write the Lord's Prayer on the head of a pin!" (NO!)
do-do-do do-do-doot doot do-do-do . . . I'm so hip...
beef pies ... he was born next to the beef pies, underneath Joni Michell's autographed picture,
right beside Elliot Robert's big bank book, next to the boat where Crosby flushed away all his
stash so the cops came and then they took him away to the can where Neil Young slipped another disc ...
Boldly springing into action he phoned his wife who ran a modeling school, whereupon he ... yes,
he ran around the back of the Broadway at Hollywood Boulevard and Vine to see if he could find
himself some big, large, unused cardboard boxes (no shit!) . . . after which he hit up the Ralph's on
Sunset for some Aunt Jemima syrup, some Kaiser boiler foil and a pair of blunt scissors, yeah! . . .
yes, and in the parking lot of Ralph's... where no prices are lower prices than Ralph's ...
in the parking lot of Ralph's, in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking,
he cut out some really, really, really nice wings and he covered them thoroughly with foil...

Then he took those wings and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into
a telephone booth... YES!! And then he shut the fucking door! . .. And he pulled down his blue
denim policeman-type trouser pants, and he spread even amounts of Aunt Jemima maple syrup
all over the inside of his legs! . . . Soon the booth was filling with flies (help me, help me, help me!) . . .
He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in, and when each and every one of
those little cocksucking flies had gone into his pants and they were lapping up all that maple syrup,
he bent over and put his head between his legs and said in a very clear, impressive, Ron-Hubbard-type
voice: "New York" . . .
And the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking lot and into the sky.

Studebacher Hoch
YEAH, YEAH
Studebacher Hoch
Studebacher Hoch
Studebacher Hoch
He's spreading his legs
With Aunt Jemima syrup up and down
His shorts will be filled with flies
That will be buzzing all around
Studebacher Hoch is really outa sight
Studebacher Hoch, he does it every night
Studebacher Hoch, he treats the flies all right.
Studebacher Hoch
That's why they never bite, hey!

He could be a dog
Or a frog
Or a lesbian queen
(Fly to New York)
He could be a narc
Or a lady marine
Or he might play dirty
He's over thirty
Getting old ...
I don't know
His peculiar attire
And the flies he requires
Keep leading him on
'Cuz Ethel is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cuz Ethel is gone
And the mountain she's on

And speaking of mountains - - we'll join Studebacher Hoch on the edge
of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN'S mouth... take it away! . . .
"Ah . . . ya, ya, ya, hey-ah Billy, lissen ... I've come to reason with you . . .
our great country needs you in the armed forces...
Your number came up ... ya can't go on running like this forever ..."

Ah, but Ethel just shook her twigs angrily. But Studebacher Hoch calm, cool, collected
and unperturbed, continued:

"Ya, well listen . . . listen you communist sonofabitch... you better get your ass down there
for your fuckin' physical or I'll see to it that you get used for fill dirt in some impending
New Jersey marsh reclamation... And your girlfriend there will wind up disguised as a series
of brooms, primative ironing boards ?r a dog house . . . get the (cough, cough) get the picture?"

Ya, well Billy just laughed:

"Ha, ha, ha. If they think they're gonna draft me, they're crazy."

Unfortunately, because Studebacher Hoch was standing on the edge of
BILLY THE MOUNTAIN'S mouth when the giant mountain laughed ... Studebacher Hoch
lost his footing and fell screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below
("Aaahhhhh, oh fuck, I'm gonna need a truss ...")

Ah listen, that only goes to show you
A mountain is something you don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around
And don't fuck with Billy
And don't fuck with Ethel
You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies

Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around ...
With Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly, Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly The Mountain

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
Call one today
When you get off the train
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
That the vegetable will respond to you

Call any vegetable
Pick up your phone
Think of a vegetable
Lonely at home
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
That the vegetable will respond to you

Rutabaga, Rutabaga, Rutabaga, Rutabaga

No one will know
If you don't want to let them know
No one will know
'less it's you that might tell them so
Call and they'll come to you
Smiling and covered with dew
Vegetables dream of responding to you
Standing there shiny and pround by your side
Holding your joint while the neighbors decide
Why is a vegetable something to hide

A lot of people don't bother about their friends in the vegetable kingdom.
They think: Oh, ah, what can I say?

Call any vegetable
Call it by name
Call any vegetable
And the chances are good
WOW! that the vegetable will respond to you!

Eddie, are you kidding?
I've seen you on my TV
Eddie, are you kidding?
The people always ask me
I saw your double knits
I thought they were the pits
You threw it in a bag
And then you sent me home - -
What!?
Eddie, are you kidding?
No, no.
Eddie, are you kidding?
No, no.
Eddie, are you teasing
About your rancid garments?
Eddie, are you teasing
About your sixty tailors?
I'm coming over shortly
Because I am a portly
You promised you could fit me
In a fifty Dollar suit - -
Oh
Eddie, are you kidding?
No, no.
Eddie, are you kidding?
No, no.
I need the knits
The double knits
I need the knits
They are the pits
I need the knits
The double knits
I'm coming over shortly
Because I am a portly
You promised you could fit me
In a fifty Dollar suit - -
Whew!
Eddie, are you kidding?
No, no.
Eddie, are you kidding?
No, no.
Eddie, are you kidding me?

Eddie, my friends ask me,
Eddie, Eddie are you kidding?
I wanna tell you something,
my friends:
I am not kidding.
Here at Zachary All
We have sixty tailors
In the back room.
We have the west's largest
Selection of portly's, regulars
Longs, extra longs, and cadets.
And my friends say to me: Eddie,
Eddie what do you think of the
New Double Knits?
And I tell them: I'll tell you
Something frankly, my friends - -
When the new double knits first
Came out, I was not impressed.
But as you can see
These pants I'm wearing
Are double knit.
They stretch
In all the right places.
They're the most comfortable.
Our model Twiggy here will demonstrate.
I have this lovely little
Seersucker . . . wait a minute . . .

WHERE CAN I GO IN GARDENA?
AND WHERE CAN I GO IN L.A.?
AND WHERE CAN I GO IN ROSEMONT?
I NEED SOME THREADS TODAY

No, my friends, I am not kidding.
Right here on the miracle mile
We have the west's largest
Selection of portly, regular,
Cadet, tall, and long.
And not only that - -
My brother Jake, and
Little Emily
And sixty tailors...

There was a man
A little ole man
Who lived in Montreal
With a wife and a kid
And a car and a house
And a teenage daughter
With a see-thru blouse
Who loved to grunt and ball - -
And her name was Magdalena

The little ole man
Came home one night
To his house in Montreal.
He caught his daughter
In the blouse by the light
And he said to himself:
"She looks all right!"
And he reached for a tit
And grabbed it tight
And threw her up
Against the wall
(BLUE CROSS!)

Magdalena, my daughter dear,
Do not be concerned when your
Canadian father comes near.
My daughter dear
Do not be concerned when your
Canadian father comes near.
I work so hard,
Don't you understand,
Making maple syrup
For the pancakes of our land.
Do you have any idea
What that can do to a man
What that can do to a man?

The little ole man
With the grubby little hand
Who lived in Montreal
Was drooling a bit
As he reached for her tit
And he said to himself:
"This is gonna be it!"
But the girl turned around
And said: "Go eat shit!"
And ran on down the hall.
Right on, Magdalena!

Magdalena, don't you tease me like this
In the hallway with your blouse and your tits
If your mommy ever finds us like this
She'll call a lawyer, oh how mom will be pissed

DOODLE DOODLE DOODLE DUH-DUH DEE-UH
DOODLE DOODLE DOODLE DUH-DUH DEE-UH

Magdalena, Magdalena, Magdalena, Magdalena,
daughter of the smog-filled winds of Los Angeles,
I'd like to take you in the closet
and take off your little blouse
until you're virtually stark raving nude,
spread mayonaise and kaopectate all over your body
and take you down to Hollywood Boulevard
and we can walk down the streets
by the stars that say John Provost and Leo G. Carroll together, Baby.
We can go dancing up at the Cine Grill... can't you see it:
Frank Parnell and us, until dark . . . don't you understand, my Baby...
I didn't need, I didn't need, I mean ... it was so hard for me...
I just ... I saw you standing under the Shell pest strip late last
night, in the light, with your little nipples protruding through your
little see-thru thingie . . . and I just said "My god, my god" I gave
my sperm to this thing' . . . don't you understand?
So I grabbed you - but don't hold it against me - and now I just
. . . oh, you got me so hard ... I just... I didn't know what to do,
Magdalena . . . your mom will never know, Baby... and I wantcha
to come back to me ... I mean ... do you understand me?...
I want you to ... I'm down on my knees to ya, Magdalena
I wantcha ta walk back to me, Baby ... I wantcha to turn around
by the Sparkletts machine . . . that's it! that's it!... in the little
chartreuse hallway with the little neon Jesus picture on the wall
. . . and I want you to step, Baby, I want you to walk back in your
five inch spike heels that you got at Frederick's, same time you
and your mommy got that crotchless underwear last year for
Christmas . . . and I want you to stroll back to me, Baby...
dontcha understand, Baby ... I want you to walk back... I'm
down on bended knees, Baby . .. I'm gonna, gonna take off your
little training bra . . . I'm gonna take off your little marooh hot
pants . . . I'm gonna get down on my knees, Baby... dontcha
understand what I'm saying to you . .. your mom will never know
. . . she's playing bridge with the girls . . . and you and I... you
and I will . . . Baby, it's you and I ... dontcha understand... we
can make love all night long . . . nobody will ever know... come
back, Magdalena! . . . please, little girl ... walk back to your
daddy . . . what did I do that was so wrong? ... my god. I was only
following my sexual impulse like I heard on the Johnny Carson
Show ... I got carried away . . . walk back, oh please, to your
daddy! . . . come on, Magdalena . . . to your daddy, Baby... your
mom will never know . . . come back to your daddy!...

Primer ml canicha (Chevy '39)
Going to El Monte Legion Stadium
Pick up on my weesa (she is so divine)
Helps me stealing hub caps
Wasted all the time
Fuzzy Dice
Bongos in the back
My ship of love is
Ready to attack