Billy the Mountain
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Billy the Mountain
Billy the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife Ethel
A tree
Billy was a mountain
Ethel was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
(Hey, hey hey!)
Billy had two big
Caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up or down
And whenever it did
He'd puff out some dust
And hack up a boulder
Now, one day, and I believe it was on a Tuesday,
a man in a checkered double-knit suit
drove up in a large El Dorado Cadillac leased from Bob Spreene
("Where the freeways meet in Downey!")
and he laid a huge bulging envelope right at the corner of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN,
that was right where his foot was supposed to be.
Now BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, he couldn't believe it:
All those postcards he'd posed for for all those years and finally, now at last, his royalties!
"Royalties, royalties, royalties! The royalty check is in, honey . . .
Yes, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was rich! Yes, and his eyeball caves,
they widened in amazement... and his jaw was a cliff, well, it ... it dropped thirty feet!
A bunch of dust puffed out . . . rocks and boulders hacked up, hack! hack! crushing the Lincoln . . .
I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hacked up a rock and
It totaled my car
Oh do you
Know any trucks
Might be bound for the valley
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit)
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
By two o'clock, when the bars had already closed down, Billy had broken the big news to Ethel,
AHHHH, and with dust and boulders everywhere, Billy, choked with excitement, announced
"Ethel, we're going on a vacation!" ... Yes, and they were going on a vacation, oh,
and Ethel, Ethel, Ethel, like any little woman, she of course was very excited ...
she creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her. Billy told Ethel they were going to . . .
yes, they were going to New York! "Ethel, we're going to... New York!"
But first they were gonna stop in Las Vegas...
"It's off to Las Vegas to check out the lounges,
Pull a few handles and drink a few beers, oh Ethel,
Ethel, my darling, you know that I love you,
I'm glad we could have a vacation this year, Oh neat-o, glad we could have a vacation this year."
They left that night, crunchin across the Mojave Desert, their voices
echoing thru the canyons of your minds . . . "Ethel, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?
Howard Johnson's, Howard Johnson's ahhh there's a Howard Johnson's! . . .
Wanna eat some clams?"...
The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was Edwards Air Force Base.
And to this very day, wing-nuts and data reduction clerks alike speak in reverent whispers
about that fateful night when Test Stand One and the rocket sled itself got lunched, I said lunched,
by a famous mountain and his small wooden wife . . .
"Word just in to the KTTV news service undeniably links this mountain and his wife to drug abuse
and payoffs as part of a San Joaquin Valley smut ring. However, we can assure parents in the
Southern California area that a recent narcotics crackdown in Torrence . . . Hawthorne ... Lomita ...
Westchester... Playa del Rey . . . Santa Monica ... Tujunga ... Sunland... San Fernando . . .
Pacoima . . . Sylmar... Newhall... Canoga Park. . . Palmdale . . . Glendale... Irwindale...
Rolling Hills... Granada Hills ... Shadow Hills ... Cheviot Hills.. .will provide the secret evidence
the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a criminal indictment and pave the way for stiffer
legislation I increased federal aid, and avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians
throughout the inland empire ..."
Within the week, Jerry Lewis had hosted a telethon to raise funds for the injured and homeless
in Glendale, as Billy had just levelled it. And a few miles right outside of town Billy caused a
'Oh mine papa' in the earth's crust, right over the secret underground dumps, right near the
Jack In The Box on Glenoaks where they keep the pools of old poison gas and obsolete
germ bombs, just as a freak tornado cruised through ...
Yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon when little Howard Kaplan was sitting on his
porch ("Toto.. .!")just playing ("Come here. Toto . . .!") and having a nice time with his ("Toto . . .!")
accordion, and this weird wind came up, direct from Glendale, blowing those terrible germs
in his direction... and all this caused by a huge mountain somewhere over the rainbow,
sucking up two-thirds of it (suck, suck, suck) for an untimely dispersal over vast stretches
of... WATTS!!!
Now, unless I misunderstand, it was right outside of Columbus Ohio when Billy received his
notice to report for his induction physical. Now lemme tell ya, Ethel said, now Ethel, Ethel said
she wasn't gonna let him go ... "I'm not gonna let you go, Billy"... that's right, we now have
confirmed reports from an informed Orange County minister that Ethel is still an active communist
and it is this reporter's opinion that she also practice a witchcraft...
It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the secret briefcase belonging to the one
mortal man who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save America herself.
And I'm sorry to disappoint some of you, it was not Chief Redden. This one man was Studebacher
Hoch, fantastic new super hero of the current economic slump. Now, some folks say he looked like
Zubin Mehta; still others say "Bullshit, honey, it was just another greasy guy who happened to be
born next to the "Frozen beef pies at Boney's Market..."; still others say "Pshaw piss on you, Jack,
he's just a crazy Italian who drove a red car..."
You see, nobody ever really knew for sure because Studebacher Hoch was soooo mysterious . . .
He was so (he was so, he was so) mysterious
He was so (he was so, he was so) mysterious
'Cuz when a person gets to be such a hero, folks,
And marvelous beyond compute
You can never really tell about a guy like that
Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he just smiles a lot
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what.
Some men say he could fly
Some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka,
And all the girls in Flushing would be amazed of him
Two, three, amazed of him . . . amazed ..
Time passed. January, February, March, July Wednesday, August, Irwindale, two-thirty in the afternoon,
Sunday, Monday, Funny Cars, City of Industry, Big John Masmanian...So when the phone rang in the
secret briefcase, a strong masculine hand with a Dudley Do-Right wristwatch and flexy bracelet grabbed it
and answered in a deep, calmly assured voice: "So ... ah... yeah, yeah hello already... what?... well, yeah?...
Ah - are you kidding? . . . You're not kidding ... a mountain. ..with a tree growing off of its shoulder??
Aw, you're fulla shit, man... ah listen, by the way, before you go on: did you get those white albums
I sent ya with the pencil on the front, yea? You should move some of them for me, yea? . . . well,
listen, kiss little Jakee on the head . . . how's your wife's hemorrhoids? ... ah, that's too bad . . .
Listen ... so you've got a mountain, with a tree, ?ausing... - well, let me write this down ... sorta
take a few notes here... yea? ... to El Segundo, huh? . . . causing untold destruction... wanted for
draft evasion? ... an expense account?... and per diem, too? . . ."
SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE
THEY SAID HE COULD DANCE
AND OF COURSE THEY WERE RIGHT...
Ladies and gentlemen, this is it: The Studebacher Hoch Dancing Lesson & Cosmic Prayer For Guidance,
featuring Aynsley Dunbar! . . . HIT IT! . . .
Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, Fillmore ...
Nobody can dance like Studebacher Hoch...
So many rumors have spread about Studebacher Hoch... consider this rumor which was published
about three weeks ago in ROLLING STONE (oh, it's gotta be true!) ... "Studebacher Hoch can
write the Lord's Prayer on the head of a pin!" (NO!)
do-do-do do-do-doot doot do-do-do . . . I'm so hip...
beef pies ... he was born next to the beef pies, underneath Joni Michell's autographed picture,
right beside Elliot Robert's big bank book, next to the boat where Crosby flushed away all his
stash so the cops came and then they took him away to the can where Neil Young slipped another disc ...
Boldly springing into action he phoned his wife who ran a modeling school, whereupon he ... yes,
he ran around the back of the Broadway at Hollywood Boulevard and Vine to see if he could find
himself some big, large, unused cardboard boxes (no shit!) . . . after which he hit up the Ralph's on
Sunset for some Aunt Jemima syrup, some Kaiser boiler foil and a pair of blunt scissors, yeah! . . .
yes, and in the parking lot of Ralph's... where no prices are lower prices than Ralph's ...
in the parking lot of Ralph's, in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking,
he cut out some really, really, really nice wings and he covered them thoroughly with foil...
Then he took those wings and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into
a telephone booth... YES!! And then he shut the fucking door! . .. And he pulled down his blue
denim policeman-type trouser pants, and he spread even amounts of Aunt Jemima maple syrup
all over the inside of his legs! . . . Soon the booth was filling with flies (help me, help me, help me!) . . .
He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in, and when each and every one of
those little cocksucking flies had gone into his pants and they were lapping up all that maple syrup,
he bent over and put his head between his legs and said in a very clear, impressive, Ron-Hubbard-type
voice: "New York" . . .
And the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking lot and into the sky.
Studebacher Hoch
YEAH, YEAH
Studebacher Hoch
Studebacher Hoch
Studebacher Hoch
He's spreading his legs
With Aunt Jemima syrup up and down
His shorts will be filled with flies
That will be buzzing all around
Studebacher Hoch is really outa sight
Studebacher Hoch, he does it every night
Studebacher Hoch, he treats the flies all right.
Studebacher Hoch
That's why they never bite, hey!
He could be a dog
Or a frog
Or a lesbian queen
(Fly to New York)
He could be a narc
Or a lady marine
Or he might play dirty
He's over thirty
Getting old ...
I don't know
His peculiar attire
And the flies he requires
Keep leading him on
'Cuz Ethel is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cuz Ethel is gone
And the mountain she's on
And speaking of mountains - - we'll join Studebacher Hoch on the edge
of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN'S mouth... take it away! . . .
"Ah . . . ya, ya, ya, hey-ah Billy, lissen ... I've come to reason with you . . .
our great country needs you in the armed forces...
Your number came up ... ya can't go on running like this forever ..."
Ah, but Ethel just shook her twigs angrily. But Studebacher Hoch calm, cool, collected
and unperturbed, continued:
"Ya, well listen . . . listen you communist sonofabitch... you better get your ass down there
for your fuckin' physical or I'll see to it that you get used for fill dirt in some impending
New Jersey marsh reclamation... And your girlfriend there will wind up disguised as a series
of brooms, primative ironing boards ?r a dog house . . . get the (cough, cough) get the picture?"
Ya, well Billy just laughed:
"Ha, ha, ha. If they think they're gonna draft me, they're crazy."
Unfortunately, because Studebacher Hoch was standing on the edge of
BILLY THE MOUNTAIN'S mouth when the giant mountain laughed ... Studebacher Hoch
lost his footing and fell screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below
("Aaahhhhh, oh fuck, I'm gonna need a truss ...")
Ah listen, that only goes to show you
A mountain is something you don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around
And don't fuck with Billy
And don't fuck with Ethel
You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around ...
With Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly, Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly The Mountain
Billy the Mountain
A regular picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife Ethel
A tree
Billy was a mountain
Ethel was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
(Hey, hey hey!)
Billy had two big
Caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up or down
And whenever it did
He'd puff out some dust
And hack up a boulder
Now, one day, and I believe it was on a Tuesday,
a man in a checkered double-knit suit
drove up in a large El Dorado Cadillac leased from Bob Spreene
("Where the freeways meet in Downey!")
and he laid a huge bulging envelope right at the corner of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN,
that was right where his foot was supposed to be.
Now BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, he couldn't believe it:
All those postcards he'd posed for for all those years and finally, now at last, his royalties!
"Royalties, royalties, royalties! The royalty check is in, honey . . .
Yes, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was rich! Yes, and his eyeball caves,
they widened in amazement... and his jaw was a cliff, well, it ... it dropped thirty feet!
A bunch of dust puffed out . . . rocks and boulders hacked up, hack! hack! crushing the Lincoln . . .
I gave him the money
He acted real funny
He hacked up a rock and
It totaled my car
Oh do you
Know any trucks
Might be bound for the valley
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(Dear Lord)
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
(No shit)
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
By two o'clock, when the bars had already closed down, Billy had broken the big news to Ethel,
AHHHH, and with dust and boulders everywhere, Billy, choked with excitement, announced
"Ethel, we're going on a vacation!" ... Yes, and they were going on a vacation, oh,
and Ethel, Ethel, Ethel, like any little woman, she of course was very excited ...
she creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her. Billy told Ethel they were going to . . .
yes, they were going to New York! "Ethel, we're going to... New York!"
But first they were gonna stop in Las Vegas...
"It's off to Las Vegas to check out the lounges,
Pull a few handles and drink a few beers, oh Ethel,
Ethel, my darling, you know that I love you,
I'm glad we could have a vacation this year, Oh neat-o, glad we could have a vacation this year."
They left that night, crunchin across the Mojave Desert, their voices
echoing thru the canyons of your minds . . . "Ethel, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?
Howard Johnson's, Howard Johnson's ahhh there's a Howard Johnson's! . . .
Wanna eat some clams?"...
The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was Edwards Air Force Base.
And to this very day, wing-nuts and data reduction clerks alike speak in reverent whispers
about that fateful night when Test Stand One and the rocket sled itself got lunched, I said lunched,
by a famous mountain and his small wooden wife . . .
"Word just in to the KTTV news service undeniably links this mountain and his wife to drug abuse
and payoffs as part of a San Joaquin Valley smut ring. However, we can assure parents in the
Southern California area that a recent narcotics crackdown in Torrence . . . Hawthorne ... Lomita ...
Westchester... Playa del Rey . . . Santa Monica ... Tujunga ... Sunland... San Fernando . . .
Pacoima . . . Sylmar... Newhall... Canoga Park. . . Palmdale . . . Glendale... Irwindale...
Rolling Hills... Granada Hills ... Shadow Hills ... Cheviot Hills.. .will provide the secret evidence
the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a criminal indictment and pave the way for stiffer
legislation I increased federal aid, and avert a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians
throughout the inland empire ..."
Within the week, Jerry Lewis had hosted a telethon to raise funds for the injured and homeless
in Glendale, as Billy had just levelled it. And a few miles right outside of town Billy caused a
'Oh mine papa' in the earth's crust, right over the secret underground dumps, right near the
Jack In The Box on Glenoaks where they keep the pools of old poison gas and obsolete
germ bombs, just as a freak tornado cruised through ...
Yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon when little Howard Kaplan was sitting on his
porch ("Toto.. .!")just playing ("Come here. Toto . . .!") and having a nice time with his ("Toto . . .!")
accordion, and this weird wind came up, direct from Glendale, blowing those terrible germs
in his direction... and all this caused by a huge mountain somewhere over the rainbow,
sucking up two-thirds of it (suck, suck, suck) for an untimely dispersal over vast stretches
of... WATTS!!!
Now, unless I misunderstand, it was right outside of Columbus Ohio when Billy received his
notice to report for his induction physical. Now lemme tell ya, Ethel said, now Ethel, Ethel said
she wasn't gonna let him go ... "I'm not gonna let you go, Billy"... that's right, we now have
confirmed reports from an informed Orange County minister that Ethel is still an active communist
and it is this reporter's opinion that she also practice a witchcraft...
It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the secret briefcase belonging to the one
mortal man who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save America herself.
And I'm sorry to disappoint some of you, it was not Chief Redden. This one man was Studebacher
Hoch, fantastic new super hero of the current economic slump. Now, some folks say he looked like
Zubin Mehta; still others say "Bullshit, honey, it was just another greasy guy who happened to be
born next to the "Frozen beef pies at Boney's Market..."; still others say "Pshaw piss on you, Jack,
he's just a crazy Italian who drove a red car..."
You see, nobody ever really knew for sure because Studebacher Hoch was soooo mysterious . . .
He was so (he was so, he was so) mysterious
He was so (he was so, he was so) mysterious
'Cuz when a person gets to be such a hero, folks,
And marvelous beyond compute
You can never really tell about a guy like that
Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he just smiles a lot
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what.
Some men say he could fly
Some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka,
And all the girls in Flushing would be amazed of him
Two, three, amazed of him . . . amazed ..
Time passed. January, February, March, July Wednesday, August, Irwindale, two-thirty in the afternoon,
Sunday, Monday, Funny Cars, City of Industry, Big John Masmanian...So when the phone rang in the
secret briefcase, a strong masculine hand with a Dudley Do-Right wristwatch and flexy bracelet grabbed it
and answered in a deep, calmly assured voice: "So ... ah... yeah, yeah hello already... what?... well, yeah?...
Ah - are you kidding? . . . You're not kidding ... a mountain. ..with a tree growing off of its shoulder??
Aw, you're fulla shit, man... ah listen, by the way, before you go on: did you get those white albums
I sent ya with the pencil on the front, yea? You should move some of them for me, yea? . . . well,
listen, kiss little Jakee on the head . . . how's your wife's hemorrhoids? ... ah, that's too bad . . .
Listen ... so you've got a mountain, with a tree, ?ausing... - well, let me write this down ... sorta
take a few notes here... yea? ... to El Segundo, huh? . . . causing untold destruction... wanted for
draft evasion? ... an expense account?... and per diem, too? . . ."
SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE
THEY SAID HE COULD DANCE
AND OF COURSE THEY WERE RIGHT...
Ladies and gentlemen, this is it: The Studebacher Hoch Dancing Lesson & Cosmic Prayer For Guidance,
featuring Aynsley Dunbar! . . . HIT IT! . . .
Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, Fillmore ...
Nobody can dance like Studebacher Hoch...
So many rumors have spread about Studebacher Hoch... consider this rumor which was published
about three weeks ago in ROLLING STONE (oh, it's gotta be true!) ... "Studebacher Hoch can
write the Lord's Prayer on the head of a pin!" (NO!)
do-do-do do-do-doot doot do-do-do . . . I'm so hip...
beef pies ... he was born next to the beef pies, underneath Joni Michell's autographed picture,
right beside Elliot Robert's big bank book, next to the boat where Crosby flushed away all his
stash so the cops came and then they took him away to the can where Neil Young slipped another disc ...
Boldly springing into action he phoned his wife who ran a modeling school, whereupon he ... yes,
he ran around the back of the Broadway at Hollywood Boulevard and Vine to see if he could find
himself some big, large, unused cardboard boxes (no shit!) . . . after which he hit up the Ralph's on
Sunset for some Aunt Jemima syrup, some Kaiser boiler foil and a pair of blunt scissors, yeah! . . .
yes, and in the parking lot of Ralph's... where no prices are lower prices than Ralph's ...
in the parking lot of Ralph's, in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking,
he cut out some really, really, really nice wings and he covered them thoroughly with foil...
Then he took those wings and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into
a telephone booth... YES!! And then he shut the fucking door! . .. And he pulled down his blue
denim policeman-type trouser pants, and he spread even amounts of Aunt Jemima maple syrup
all over the inside of his legs! . . . Soon the booth was filling with flies (help me, help me, help me!) . . .
He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in, and when each and every one of
those little cocksucking flies had gone into his pants and they were lapping up all that maple syrup,
he bent over and put his head between his legs and said in a very clear, impressive, Ron-Hubbard-type
voice: "New York" . . .
And the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking lot and into the sky.
Studebacher Hoch
YEAH, YEAH
Studebacher Hoch
Studebacher Hoch
Studebacher Hoch
He's spreading his legs
With Aunt Jemima syrup up and down
His shorts will be filled with flies
That will be buzzing all around
Studebacher Hoch is really outa sight
Studebacher Hoch, he does it every night
Studebacher Hoch, he treats the flies all right.
Studebacher Hoch
That's why they never bite, hey!
He could be a dog
Or a frog
Or a lesbian queen
(Fly to New York)
He could be a narc
Or a lady marine
Or he might play dirty
He's over thirty
Getting old ...
I don't know
His peculiar attire
And the flies he requires
Keep leading him on
'Cuz Ethel is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cuz Ethel is gone
And the mountain she's on
And speaking of mountains - - we'll join Studebacher Hoch on the edge
of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN'S mouth... take it away! . . .
"Ah . . . ya, ya, ya, hey-ah Billy, lissen ... I've come to reason with you . . .
our great country needs you in the armed forces...
Your number came up ... ya can't go on running like this forever ..."
Ah, but Ethel just shook her twigs angrily. But Studebacher Hoch calm, cool, collected
and unperturbed, continued:
"Ya, well listen . . . listen you communist sonofabitch... you better get your ass down there
for your fuckin' physical or I'll see to it that you get used for fill dirt in some impending
New Jersey marsh reclamation... And your girlfriend there will wind up disguised as a series
of brooms, primative ironing boards ?r a dog house . . . get the (cough, cough) get the picture?"
Ya, well Billy just laughed:
"Ha, ha, ha. If they think they're gonna draft me, they're crazy."
Unfortunately, because Studebacher Hoch was standing on the edge of
BILLY THE MOUNTAIN'S mouth when the giant mountain laughed ... Studebacher Hoch
lost his footing and fell screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below
("Aaahhhhh, oh fuck, I'm gonna need a truss ...")
Ah listen, that only goes to show you
A mountain is something you don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around
And don't fuck with Billy
And don't fuck with Ethel
You saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around ...
With Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly, Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly The Mountain
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